A Dizzying Start to the Year

I remember one summer, I think I was a third grader or so, all of my older cousins came to North Dakota from Pennsylvania and we descended upon my grandma's hamlet of 100 (I think our family singlehandedly increased the town population by 25% the week we were there) where we spent so much time at the local playground. My older Pennsylvania cousins, who all happen to be male, were able to spin the merry-go-round the fastest I had ever experienced. All of my other cousins were eating it up and I wanted so much to enjoy what was going on, but I couldn't handle it. I hated it. The feeling of my head spinning and not knowing where my center of gravity had gone made me want to go home to grandma's and just read a book. You know, once the words made themselves still on the page and all. But I knew mom would send me back to the playground to play with everybody else so I tried to make the most of it, but I just couldn't.

All that to say, I feel like I am finally off the proverbial merry-go-round that was Thailand and now I'm back in the States waiting for my head to stop spinning.

As I alluded to at the beginning of the year, I was not sad to see 2015 go. We are almost done with 2016 and I have mixed feelings on the year. But, as a teacher, my "actual" year is just kicking off. I have switched over the agenda pages for the next twelve months and my fresh start in life is here. Maybe that's why this week really had me feeling so much joy and sorrow at the same time. I had a great first week at my new school, but I found myself missing the school in BKK. I full disclosure, I feel like I pretty much failed at my school in Thailand. I never felt like I was really on top of things and I expected much more of myself than what I was able to give or produce. I want to be clear, though, that I do not believe in any way that my moving to BKK was a mistake. I still stand by that it was 100% God's will at that point in my life. I just moved there to be a teacher and a not very good teacher is what I ended up being. It's a tough pill to swallow.

At the beginning of my own personal "teacher" year, I am at a place to start afresh. I talked to my mom this weekend and told her how, honestly, I wasn't excited to be teaching again. But (and I didn't tell her this part) when I find myself around students, I know it's right where I am supposed to be. I can't imagine myself doing anything other than teaching. Even when I think about what I want to do after my high school teaching career, I find myself considering adult education, preservice teacher education, third-world education, and the like. At my heart is a desire to teach. My purpose in life is to equip. But, right now, my self-confidence is shaken and, honestly, I'm a little (lot) bit scared. What if I fail as a teacher at my new school? I know not every day is going to be perfect and I expect to feel failure as I go through the school year, but what if I walk away at the end of this school year and my proverbial head is still spinning?

Much of my identity is as a teacher and, as a result, I am a little shaken in who I am. I did a lot of coping in Thailand, much of it quite unhealthy and I now have amends to make as a result. Right now I am feeling the resolve to buck up and make sure things end up better this time around, but I also find myself considering what I will do if some of the mistakes I have made cannot be rectified. What does that mean for the future? So many thoughts swirl through my head and so many feelings weave their ways in and out of my heart. I know I can't do everything at once, but working to do little bits at a time to get my overall self back in order is exhausting and painful.

When people ask how this first week back to school was, I smile and say all was fun and fine. After all, I got mistaken for a high school student again, and seeing as this summer was my 10 year reunion, I'll take it! Truthfully, this first week back was bittersweet and it was all my own doing.

I have no resolution in the way of either new year "resolution" or make things better "resolution" at this point. My only seeming resolution is to step away from teaching, but that's not an option right now. I have never been one to quit when things have gotten hard (even though I feel like I quit Thailand) and part of me is, honestly, looking forward to the grit of this upcoming semester. I want to dig in and prove to myself that I can do this teaching thing. This grad school thing. This running/health thing. This life thing.

But at this point, I need my head to stop spinning. It's almost there and then I'll figure out in which direction I need to take the first step and I'll go from there. One step at a time, with as many tears shed as necessary along the way.

Rectifying mistakes and shortcomings also means extending grace.

Even if I-myself- is the hardest person to whom I can give grace.