A Brain Dump to Begin the Week

...This has been the longest two week stretch ever. It started with an inservice day two weeks ago and has since contained two basketball tournaments, two trips including a flight and a bus trip, as well as my normal loads of teaching and grad school. Part of the reason the two weeks have seemed so long is that I inherited the girls' basketball team with about 30 hours' notice and have been, all of the sudden, going full blast with them on top of everything else. I'm not even going to pretend to be on track with anything any more. I'm just straight up behind on it all.

...That being said, I have officially made my varsity coaching debut in basketball. I coached a tournament last weekend where we finished third and this past weekend we took fifth in another tournament. Funny story-- being good sports actually cost us a chance to play for the championship. We finished third in our pool after losing a tie breaker by 4 points (as in 2 baskets). We played two teams we could have blown out by 40 to 50 points. We actually held one of those to a complete shut out, 32 to 0. I am a firm believer that no game needs to be won by more than 20 points, maybe 30 points playing young players, so I took active measures to stop my team from being that bully team. Well, we shot ourselves in the foot the first game against our #1 pool team when we just did not show up to play and lost by 30 points. We then blew out the next two teams, including the shut out, and then putzed around and ended up tying with a team we would beat 7 times out of 10 any other day. We lost the tie breaker to the #2 seed because they put up 4 more points against opponents than we did. And we could have easily posted another 50 points if I had let my team and/or we had shown up to play. I have no regrets about not posting a bigger score or being beaten when we didn't earn the victory anyhow. But I am snarkily amused the #5 team in the tournament should have been at least the #2 team and possibly the champion (I think we'd go 50/50 with the top team if we played well) just because they were good sports. What's the lesson learned? Play hard in every game. Never be the bully. And always wash your hands after using the bathroom. That's just common sense.

...I wouldn't go as far as to say that I am home sick, but I have really been missing my family back in the States. I blame it on the chance to coach the varsity basketball team. It is something that I could actively share with them and they could be around to see. Rehashing the game through text is just not the same as sitting down to talk things through in person. And sharing about victories with a 13-hour time difference is just not the same because it's usually a good 8 or 9 hours before I hear back from anybody. But this is just a good chance to remember the opportunity I have been given to improve myself while investing in students' lives through a game I love. I am also being reminded of all of the people who have chosen to invest in me through basketball throughout the years and I continue to push myself to make them proud. Always pay it forward.

...We leave for our annual school service trip a week from today and I am looking forward to it. We will be going to serve some Karen people in western Thailand, literally within walking distance of the Thailand-Myanmar border. I enjoy the opportunity to work with students outside the walls of the classroom to complete meaningful work by their own hands and efforts. Some kids love it, some kids hate it, but all kids always walk away changed regardless.

...With everything going on, I am continually reminded to live with grace, truth, and perseverance because this is the only life I will be given and it is my real life. I keep reminding myself:

(via)

I know this is meant for parents, but my students are who God has given me to invest in right now so they "my children" for this season of life. And for most of these students, I will have them for only one year so I must make the most of the opportunity that has been given me.

Soli deo gloria.

Glory to God alone.

19||It Was (Pretty Much) the Best Day of My Life

Tell us about one of the best days of your life.

I realized very early this year that Summer 2015 was going to be a big one. With my sister getting married and defending my thesis, I was excited to see everything happen. And then my dad put the cherry on top when he bought us tickets for a father-daughter and/or finishing grad school celebration trip. My dad raised his girls to do three things-- love God, love others, and love the game of baseball. I had not seen the Minnesota Twins play in person since I was in second grade and they still played in the Metrodome. I was actually able to attend two series this summer as I flew into the Twin Cities from Thailand and watch the Twins series against the Brewers. I was then super fortunate enough to head back to Minneapolis post-wedding and take in the Twins' series versus the Baltimore Orioles. I didn't realize it at the time, but my first day in Minneapolis that second time around was easily one of the best days of my life.

Our days wasn't anything super fancy or exciting, but, just the same, it was lovely perfect in so many ways. We ate breakfast, showered, and then bummed around downtown for awhile. We were staying right off Hennepin Avenue, so the city was right at our fingertips! We walked around for awhile, grabbed a nice seafood lunch at the corner restaurant, and then walked back to the hotel to get ready for the game. We got to the ballpark in time to watch hitting practice and then settled in for the night. The game ended up going to extra innings and the Twins won when Brian Dozier hit a walk-off homerun to end the game. The day was fairly simple but it was spent with one of my favorite people, doing things that we love, and doing them together.

Living overseas has allowed me to really understand the blessing that is spending time with people in person. My dad is a very busy man, but we started planning this weekend in January and it could not have been any better than I had hoped! We are already talking about taking in another Twins series this upcoming summer and I am looking forward to it!

(Clockwise L to R) Dad and I pre-game. Forever a Mauer fan. Dozier's walk-off home run. Old habits die hard.

The 2015 Blog-Tember Challenge. Day 1. Day 2. Day 3. Day 4. Day 5. Day 6. Day 7. Day 8. Day 9. Day 10. Day 11. Day 12. Day 13. Day 14. Day 15. Day 16. Day 17. Day 18. Day 19.

9||Dear 16 Year Old Self

Write a letter to sixteen-year-old you. Any advice or funny stories?

Dear 16-year-old Aubrey,

You are lucky 27-year-old Aubrey lives overseas and doesn't have access to our yearbooks right now and that our Myspace account was shut down about three years ago. Actually, 27-year-old Aubrey is pretty grateful on both accounts, so we'll just count that as an all around win.

Three things stick out to me when I think back to being 16. First, your sophomore year of high school ends up being huge- treasure it as best as you are able. Second, when dad insists on taking you to the movie for your birthday, don't grumble and just enjoy that time with him. Dad has good taste in movies and time with him is always precious. Third, learn to enjoy the ride that is your life.

Your choice to leave the private Christian school and transfer to the small public school outside of town will end up being in the top five, if not three, most influential decisions you will make in your life. It will give you opportunities as a high school student that you never thought to be possible and it will give you opportunities as a young professional that you never dreamed either. You will meet some of the best people of your life as well as some of the most challenging. Basically, you will learn what it means to be part of a community and you will find your identity in more ways than one.

Don't put up such a stink when dad wants to go out for your birthday. He just wants to celebrate you and your day. You will eventually realize that going to movies is kinda your "thing" and dad tends to choose good movies. Remember The Sum of All Fears? You may not actually remember much of Miracle but you will remember that is the movie dad chose and that he chose it for more than just the popularity. Enjoy those hours with dad because one day you'll be sitting across the ocean, wishing that you could meet dad for a movie again.

Finally, you have no idea the directions your life will actually end up taking. If you think switching high schools was crazy, don't even try to imagine what else life will hand you. Your life will definitely be beautiful, even if you don't see that at the time (and still struggle sometimes at 27). At the end of your sophomore year, you will be so over high school and living at home, but you still have two more years. They won't be easy years but you will survive. In some ways, you will even thrive. Don't be so scared to get your drivers license and enjoy the days with the Ford Tempo because you'll end up missing it soon enough. Let yourself love basketball, but also be aware that it will become your idol. Continue to work hard be aware that you will eventually find your identity outside of sports and school. You're only sixteen, my dear. In many ways, this will be your last year of innocent adolescence, but enjoy it nonetheless. Except for World History. That never really gets any better. It will always be pretty horrible, but, like everything else, it too shall end. As always, you will be broken but you will end up stronger as a result.

See you on the other side,

Your 27-Year-Old-Self

I am technically 17 here, but this picture is very important to you.

PS- If you'd like reference, here's a letter to our 18 year old self as well!

The 2015 Blog-Tember Challenge. Day 1. Day 2. Day 3. Day 4. Day 5. Day 6. Day 7. Day 8. Day 9.

3||Collage to Describe Be.Do.Say.Go.

Create a collage or inspiration/mood board that describes your blog.

(Clockwise, from top L) Thailand. Specifically, Krabi which has quickly become one of my favorite places to be. I blog about Thailand quite a bit, simply because I'm still trying to make meaning of this season of life. Recipes. I made a cookbook of family recipes for my sister as a wedding present this last summer. Now, I am working on making a family cookbook for myself. I also enjoy cooking and baking and find recipes to be something very easy to collect as well as share. I have a whole arsenal of recipes ready to be made known! Teaching and learning. I am a teacher by training and a graduate student by choice. I spend many evenings with my computer, learning materials, and a coffee, always working towards the next goal. Faith. This view comes from the service learning trip I took with my school last February. I started to write about it but never finished. This picture represents for my my purpose in life, the calling God has placed upon my life, the opportunities He has given me to be a part of His work in this world, and, even more simply, just the marvel of His creation. Family. My home is where my family is and where they are is where I like to be.

The 2015 Blog-Tember Challenge. Day 1. Day 2. Day 3.

10|| 10 Things About Yours Truly

Still working to complete "The Blog-tember Challenge" even though I have missed the deadline by a long shot. Don't judge... It will be fun to finally finish! 

List 10 things that you love about yourself! Let's kick that negative self-talk outta here!

I really cannot list 10 things I love about myself without giving credit where it is due-- to my Heavenly father. I have only in the last couple of years decided to wage a war against my insecurity. Some days are certainly better than others and it's been a rough patch as of late, for sure. But I have been created in His image to do great things that He prepared me specifically to fulfill. The same is absolutely true of you. Just let that sink into your mind for a spell. God did not create either you or me and then random assign purpose to our lives. He created the world, saw a need to be filled, and then created each individual to fill each specific purpose.

I feel like my life carries an entirely different weight when I maintain that mindset, no?

I feel convicted on a whole new level to get rid of my self hate and to really learn to value myself for the excellent creation God made me to be. I would not be pleased to see a creation of my own being so dissatisfied with my handiwork, so why do I think it is okay to do the same thing to God?

Without further ado, here are 10 things I love (or am learning to love) about myself-- the woman God created me to be!

One. I am created specifically in the image of God and for the purpose of bringing glory to God! My life has so much purpose just knowing that I am living for something greater than myself. I could not imagining doing life on earth any other way.

Two. I have been given the privilege of being a teacher. I have long desired to know that I am doing exactly what God has called me to do and to change the world. I know I am definitely in the former and I may be doing just a little bit of the latter.

Three. I have been given the opportunity to live overseas and experience another culture and another way of life. I have much sitting in the archives about living in the Land of Smiles. I just need to buck it up and make it happen.

Four. I am finally learning how to be a good friend, daughter, sister, etc. It has taken me a long time to understand how to authentically relate to people. All too often, I have let myself be completely taken over by somebody needy, selfish, and unable to support me as a friend. That being said, I have also been a selfish, unfair friend. I am grateful for the people God has placed in my life to help me develop into a gracious and authentic woman of God. #Longjourney #Stillfiguringitout

Five. I intentionally value people and experiences over things. I have come to develop a great disdain for a lot of stuff and would much rather spend my resources on people and experiences. My family, friends, faith, students, and traveling are all high priorities in my life and daily decision making.

And because we can't be all serious around here all of the time...

Six. I will try anything once. I was not an adventurous child or teenager, but once I got to college, something shifted and I'm ready to go. Moving to Thailand has given me many more opportunities than I ever would have found for myself in the States and I am trying to make the most of it. Recent shenanigans include eating crickets, learning to ride a motorbike, and learning to speak Thai. #SpeakingThaiisalwaysanadventure

Seven. I can change a tire all by myself. I feel like I have had to change more than my share (six!) of tires in the last five years. I can also check my oil and replace a tail light. And I know that blinkers to not run on fluid. Granted, I still can't hard boil an egg, but that's neither here nor there.

Eight. I can say the English alphabet forwards and backwards. It would be my one party trick if I ever ended up at a party. As an INTJ, though, I would probably just hang out in the back corner of the room and check out the host's book collection.

Nine. Along with one terrible party trick, I have a random assortment of useless trivia. For example, know the capitals of Cambodia, Malaysia, Indonesia, Canada, and Finland. The majority of this information is much less impressive now that I live in southeast Asia, but nevertheless. I can also tell you the all fifty states and capitals while locating them on a map, provide the history of the term "bowdlerize," and explain why the North Dakota capitol does not have a dome.

Ten. I can make a mean pie. Apple, rhubarb-peach, and lemon meringue are my go-to pieces of choice! I made an ice cream pie yesterday for a friend's birthday, but that doesn't count. This fall, I made a pumpkin pie entirely from scratch and it was so good. If I ever get married, I will have pie at my reception, not cake. And that's a nonnegotiable... The groom can deal or go. #JK #Sorta

16|| Now You All Can Know

"Most people don't know this but..."

... I really don't like cake. I think it's too much chewing for too little flavor. I much prefer pie and brownies for those very reasons.

... my pinky fingers are obnoxiously short on both hands. Each pinky reaches just the second knuckle on the ring finger of each hand.

... when I was little, my mom had me convinced I couldn't go to kindergarten unless I learned how to tie my shoes. A Saturday afternoon at McDonald's with grandpa helped solve that one. To this day, I don't tie my shoes the "normal" way and the only laced shoes I own are for workout purposes.

... when I was little, my dad told me that eating too much burnt popcorn would give me a bellyache. Now I know he didn't want me to eat too much so he could eat the rest of it. #Yooooouuusneakydad!

... when I worked with the youth group during one of my college summers at home, I convinced a couple of the boys that I was third in line for the role of Christine. I had to decline the second understudy role, though, because I couldn't miss that much school. #Asif 

... I also convinced one of my high school classes that Canada had bought the internet. That one didn't last too long, though. Clearly I learned my devious ways at a young age from my parents.

... I thought my parents were going to die of old age when they turned 40. I had an elaborate plan to move my siblings and I to my grandma's house 3 hours away. I had money set aside for bus tickets and notes written to our teachers explaining what was going on. It never dawned on me that my grandma was older than my parents. I was a proactive, albeit neurotic, third grader.

... I really love fresh cut flowers. Orchids and tulips are my favorites. I also love begonias and mums.

... I still cannot keep track of which is the independent and which is the dependent variable. A psychology minor and two years of graduate school still haven't solved the matter for me.

... I'm pretty sure I saw Bill Murray at the BTS station a couple of weeks ago. I didn't stop to ask because I wasn't 100% sure at the time. Now I am really wishing I would have.

12|| Many Summers in Medora

Tell us about a favorite tradition. It could be a family tradition or from a holiday, university, you-name-it. What makes it so special?

My favorite family tradition is our annual getaway to Medora, ND. I know my mom knows the exact number of years we have gone but I have recently lost count. I know we have gone (at least!) eighteen summers in a row.

I still remember the moment mom and dad told us we we're going to Medora for the first time. I'm pretty sure it was the summer before I went into fourth grade. The picture above is from one of those first summer we went. I still remember the shirt I was wearing. I also had another one in the same pattern, but it was in shades of greens and purples. My habit of buying the same shirt in every available color started at a young age. #Sorrynotsorry

We have done most everything Medora has to offer throughout the years. I am in my third-ish year of college and my sister and I ran the Bully Run that morning. I enjoy walking around to the various shops and just being there. Things move a little slower in Medora and I don't mind one bit.

Another evening at the Burning Hills Amphitheater. I wish I had a better view of the scenery. And the sky. Dear heavens-- the stars are just amazing.

When we first started going to Medora, they had a shooting gallery. A couple of years into our summer sojourns, the shooting gallery closed and our hearts were broken. But just a couple of years ago, the shooting gallery appeared again and you can bet your bottom dollar #Punintended that it is again one of our most anticipated stops. I'd also like to point out that these two shooting gallery pictures are from two different years, three years apart. I am just wearing a purple shirt both years. See my above comment about buying the same shirt in different colors? I also buy the same colors over and over again. #IknowwhatIlike

As our family has grown in size, more people have joined us on our summerly adventure. Sometimes we go for a weekend, sometimes for just a couple of hours, but the popcorn and musical remain the same. It's the people and the memories that count.

6|| Currently, I'm...

A "currently..." post. Tell us what you're loving, hating, reading, eating, etc.

...reading A Heart Like His: Intimate Reflections on the Life of David by Beth Moore and any number of thesis-related books and materials. I'm in the market for some good fiction to just suck me in and give my brain a break from the other two, but I haven't found that yet. I'm a little mentally exhausted after finishing the train wreck that was Allegiant and am still working to recover.

...watching Private Practice albeit very inconsistently.

...trying to win an Ebay auction for a new phone or iPod. Mine is no longer in my possession as of last night which really bums me out because it has all of my pictures from my first seven weeks in Thailand. 

...eating nothing but definitely thinking that I am in need of a snack. I'm not going to make it until supper without one.

...pinning anything and everything. If it's for home, school, eating, sewing, knitting, or reading, I have probably pinned it in the last couple of weeks.

...tweeting not much of anything. I've been staying on top of my feed but haven't been doing much tweeting myself. I should really change that. You can stay on top of my lack of tweeting @bedosaygo.

...going to try a new church. I'm really looking for a way to get plugged into the city of Bangkok and it looks like tomorrow's church has some great opportunities!

...loving my Saturdays. Praise the Lord-- my last couple of Saturdays have been pretty darn productive! Today has been fairly productive as well... I just need to finish my thesis proposal before I go to work on Monday!

...discovering what living in a new city halfway around the world means! 

...enjoying the street market not too far from where I live. This morning, I bought about five pounds of various produce for 180B... A little more than $5 USD. I'm sure my vegetables would have cost at least $12 in the States!

...thinking about my thesis proposal that I need to get finished ASAP. It's going on a week late now and I need to get it finished! (Or started... I'll let you be the judge of the situation. I'm pleading the 5th.)

...feeling very grateful to be in Thailand but still missing home. Fall is my favorite season and a North Dakota fall just doesn't compare. I'm missing high school football and my choppers and thinking about pheasant hunting and the smell of the air as it loses its summer heat and moves to the fall cool.

...hoping that I focus enough to get my paper finished tonight so I can edit it and send it off tomorrow!

...listening to Christmas music. I've already listened to Barry Manilow twice and have now moved on to Mannheim Steamroller. I will be home for Christmas and I think I feel a little less homesick when I envision the December days to come.

...thanking God for the life He has given me. It's not anything like I envisioned for myself but it is so much greater than anything I envisioned for myself!

...starting to feel like I might be hitting a little bit of a groove with this school year. I say that very tentatively, but after a very difficult last two weeks, I'm feeling ever so slightly more comfortable in my new teaching role.

My Summer by the Numbers, Final Update

Since today is the unofficial end to summer in the States (aka Labor Day weekend), I figured now would be as good of time as any to do a final update on my "Top 10 List for Summer 2014!" I mean, my summer has been over for a month now, but I was still living off the American summer. Our midterm grade reports are due this week. We are already 1/8 done with the school year! Now that the American summer is over, I need to stop living on borrowed time. Here it goes!

1. Read The Divergent trilogy. I loved the first book. The second book was okay. 
    The third book was brutal. Consider yourself warned. 

2. Finish the remainder of my grad school class work. Done! I am currently

    working on my thesis proposal and one other class for my speech endorsement

    but as far as classes for my M.S. go, I am all ready to go!

3. Read Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. I looked at my book a couple

    of times if that counts for anything.

4. Visit Medora on our family's 17th annual summer excursion. Complete! As is

    my usual, I didn't take as many pictures as I meant to, but I did remember to

    take a couple. Medora is one of my favorite places. All I need is 24 hours in the 

    little town before I feel like my summer has been made.

5. Read Khaled Hosseini's And the Mountains Echoed. Finito! I didn't enjoy this 

    book nearly as much as the other two, but I still think Hosseini is a master

    storyteller. 

6. Sew my sister's T-shirt quilt. I'll, uhh, just have to bundle her high school and

    college quilts together.

7. Read Harry Wong's First Days of School. I think I will just add this to next 

    summer's reading list.

8. Finish my own jean quilt from high school. I'll just go for the trifecta next 

    summer when I finish #6.

9. Clean, organize, and purge my current belongings. I'm not sure I'll ever get to

    the point of feeling purged enough, but I made a very solid start this summer. I

    will continue to look at my belongings and make changes to what I need at 

    various points in life, but I'm feeling okay with where I am at this point.

10. Watch the entire series of "Boy Meets World" with my sister. She finished,

      but I didn't. I did get caught up on Grey's if that counts for anything. #Itdoesn't 

Clearly I didn't accomplish everything I included on my list, but I'm okay with that. I feel like I packed quite a bit into my six weeks of summer I had this year and I enjoyed every minute I spent with other people. I also moved halfway across the world and started a new job if that counts for anything too. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. I'll leave the jury out on that one.

Clearly

I Don't Get It

One of my co-workers lost his brother in a car wreck yesterday.

His situation sounds eerily similar to what my dad went through a couple of years ago.

Why did my dad get to live and my co-worker's brother not?

In talking with my co-worker, his stories and mine are very similar. But where he has suffered loss, I was blessed with gain.

I've had a decent bout of survivor's guilt today.

I will never understand it all but I know that I am thankful for what I have been given. I don't understand why God has chosen to give me what He has but has taken the same from others.

I love my dad and told him as much today.

Today as I laid hands on a friend in his time of loss, I praised God for my gain. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I just couldn't help it.

I don't get it and I never will. But regardless, the name of the Lord shall be praised.

This picture was taken two days after dad came home from rehab. I remember I was in such a bad mood this evening. It was Christmas Eve 2011 and I just wasn't having it. I wasn't excited to go to church, I wasn't liking my hair, I'm wearing my fat pants, and I really didn't get going on life that day because I wore my glasses all day. I completely missed out on the blessing of the day. It is now one of my favorite pictures ever.

100 Measly Pounds... And I Don't Mean from England!

Oh well hey there!

In case anybody ever tries to tell you differently, moving internationally is not easy. Maybe it would be easier if I didn't have to plan for six months of teaching, living, and thesis writing in 100 pounds of luggage, one roller board, and one backpack.

If you would have asked me two weeks ago, I would have honestly answered that I did not have much stuff.

But now?

I definitely know that is not the case.

I have a lot of stuff.

I struggled for a good five days to get my suitcases near weight limit. I finally hit my appropriate weights yesterday. I know there are things I could have done differently-- there always are, but I did the best I could for what I know right now. In my defense, my luggage packing abilities were pretty compromised by needing to haul my necessary grad school materials for the upcoming year. I certainly wasn't going to waste checked luggage space on all of that paper weight, but it really killed luggage flexibility.

At any rate, I don't like having this much stuff. Oi. It's kinda gross, really.

I am on my last 24 hours in Williston and then it's off to Bangkok! Today is a day of last minute errands, birthday lunch and pedis with my mom (Happy Birthday, Mom!), last minute packing, and then dinner with my whole family. I'm looking to make the most of my last day before I make my way to the other side of the Pacific. 

See you on the other side of the date line!

And Monday Strikes with a Vengeance!

I had grand plans of writing about the lovely week I spent in Montana, of the vacation I was currently on with my family, and my mild trepidation about moving to Thailand.

Instead, I will just say that I didn't really enjoy my time in Montana, today's family road trip was rained out, and Wal-Mart makes me not want to move to Thailand anymore.

In all honesty, I loved the people I spent time with in Thailand, but everything else I could just leave behind. We are hoping to reschedule our vacation for later this week. 

I still loathe Wal-Mart. They turned what should have been a 90 minute process turned into a 7.5 hour ordeal. #ChoosingtonotembraceBoomtowntoday

But Monday is almost over and we are going out for a lovely family dinner once dad gets home from work. #DoIsoundlikeIam16? #Iamreally26 #Andahalf

My Summer by the Numbers, An Update!

I'm currently sitting in a hotel room in Kalispell, Montana while it's raining and all things baseball tournament are currently in limbo. Since the weather is currently anti-summer, I figured now would be a great time for a summer "bucket" list update! 

"Top 10 List for Summer 2014."

1. Read The Divergent trilogy. I am planning to save this for my plane ride and 
    travel adventures to Thailand. It'll give me something enjoyable to help pass 
    the time!

2. Finish the remainder of my grad school class work. I'm working on it! I am still 
    going to have one class left to finish before October 10. Story of my life.

3. Read Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. I still plan on reading this. 
    Not sure when or how, but it's still in the works.

4. Visit Medora on our family's 17th annual summer excursion. My brother and his 
    girlfriend arrive on Saturday! #Excited #GoodthingIcleanedmyroombeforeIleft

5. Read Khaled Hosseini's And the Mountains Echoed. I didn't like this book 
    nearly as much as his first two, but I still find Hosseini to be an excellent 
    storyteller!

6. Sew my sister's T-shirt quilt. Probably will not happen. See #2.

7. Read Harry Wong's First Days of School. See #3.

8. Finish my own jean quilt from high school. See #6. And then #2.

9. Clean, organize, and purge my current belongings. I have made it through six 
    of twelve rooms/areas so I am getting there!

10. Watch the entire series of "Boy Meets World" with my sister. My sister is all 
      caught up. I'm stuck somewhere in the first or second seasons. See #2 and #9. 
        #AtleastIhavebeenalittleproductive #IdidgetcaughtuponGrey's
p

Wasn't Quite Ready for This One

Well I certainy did not intend to fall off the face of the earth for almost three weeks. In my defense, I spent one of those weeks in Omaha going through a completely intimidating and mind numbing professional development session for the AP course I will be teaching this fall. Any confidence I had going in to this fall semester has been completely shattered and I'm about as humble as they come right now. #Imaybringmyblankietothefirstdayofclass #Teachersdon'tdothat?

This summer has been an odd one. Overall, I'd say it has been a tough four weeks. For the first time in a long time (maybe ever?), I feel a door closing. Like straight-up-shutting-with-a-deadbolt-lock-for-extra-security-closing. Don't get me wrong... I completely understand that if God wills, He will break that deadbolt with a snap of His fingers (or however it is one breaks a deadbolt-- I don't really know how to break through a deadbolt and isn't that the point?).

When I moved away for college, I swore I was never going to move back home. But I won't lie. I always felt a little piece of me that wondered what it would have been like to live at home again and not be a high schooler. I saw a lot of other people my age doing it, but I also I knew I was right where I was supposed to be as a college student in Grand Forks. God presented me the opportunity to come home for a spell and I'm so grateful. I'd be lying if I didn't say these three years were very trying-- the first year was difficult as a family and this last year was very difficult professionally-- but I wouldn't trade them for all the buffalo wings I could ever eat and that's saying something!

At the risk of sounding like a complete downer, I super excited about what's to come. I feel like I'm getting my life back. I didn't realize how much I had ceased to be my own person. I moved home and fell so comfortably into the role of teacher and coach. Some people looked at me as my dad's mini me. Other people saw my as the head coach's mini me, even after I became a head coach myself. I think I could easily live the next 20 years of my life doing the same things each season and I wouldn't have given it a second thought. 

I moved home because, by doing so, I was taking myself out of my comfort zone. But now home has become my comfort zone and it is my time to move on.

I talked with a co-worker last week who is also leaving the school and he made a comment about it being so hard to leave. I think I would be more scared if I found it easy to walk away from things than the difficulty I'm experiencing. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am walking forward in God's will and His grace as I make my way to Thailand, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt and I don't keep in mind the faces of the students I am leaving behind. I know that their lives will go on without me and they'll quickly fill the gap of my absence with the new teachers and coaches-- I wouldn't want it any other way. But I see that the hurt means that I left part of myself with those kids.

When they would ask why I stayed, I would tell them the truth-- I was given an option to move home and give back to the school that invested so much in me. I spent three years at THS as a student and I returned for three years as a teacher and coach. In many ways, I feel like my debt (albeit hypothetical) has been paid. I can honestly say that I left my position at THS in a better place than when I inherited it. It is always my goal to leave whatever I do in life in better shape than when I came upon it.

In short, I guess I find myself mourning a loss I didn't anticipate. I always knew my Trenton job would be temporary, but it certainly was comfortable. My plans were to stay two years longer, but God said three was enough. Again, I eagerly anticipate what is to come, but I will always think of what I have left behind. It's a bittersweet thing, leaving what I am behind. They have already filled my position and I pray the person whom they chose to fill it will experience success. I pray she will be able to see the students for who they are and understand their circumstances, but will be able to challenge and stretch and educate them more than I was able to. I pray the students will give this new teacher the respect she deserves and they will not hold my mistakes and failings against her in any way. I pray they will also forgive her any mistakes and failings she may make against them because it's simply inevitable.

Until then, I will keep watching baseball, eating Mexican food, and listening to country music. Mine is a lovely life. :)