The Thrill of Hope

2011 ranks as the worst year of my life. I experienced being denied student teaching, losing my grandpa, separating from a friend for no apparent reason, almost losing my dad, and getting through my first semester as a teacher. To add insult to injury, my undergraduate graduation was anticlimactic on many levels and I walked away from college feeling let down by the whole experience. I did experience two incredible highs that year in working my first summer at camp and spending Christmas with my dad at home with us. But overall, 2011 is a year I don't want back.

Isn't that the way it goes, though, that the highest of highs always come with the lowest of lows?

2015 is a year that I will not want back either. As I look back on this year, I will not be sorry to see it go. Contrary to 2011, the events that were supposed to be the highs of this year were undeniably marred by the lows. These last 11 months have been ones of heartbreak and loss and betrayal in ways that I never imagined or expected. People have let me down, I have let others down, and I have let myself down. People have failed me, I have failed others, and I have failed myself. Some of the story is mine to tell but much of it is not. Even though I have taken every step of my own journey, I have not been alone and I owe those who have journeyed with me the respect of sharing their perspective as they so choose. I just know that when the ball drops on December 31, I will not wish 2015 back.

As somebody who usually brings back Christmas tunes in April and starts listening consistently in October, this year has been odd in that I only started listening to Christmas music this past Wednesday. As such, I feel more anticipation and magic for the season than I have in many years past. In the same way, these words have resonated with me intensely as of late:

The thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices.

I am oh. so. weary in oh. so. many ways. However, I still have a month left of 2015 and it is a month I do not want to waste. I know the odds of 31 days bringing complete change to my life are fairly low, but I am choosing to fight for each moment this next month brings. I watched "A Charlie Brown Christmas" this morning and found myself amazed by the simplicity of what Christmas should be. My Savior was born to bring hope and life to all. Hope is not something I have had much of this last year. But this advent season is slowly renewing my hope. And that's a beautiful feeling.