Wasn't Quite Ready for This One

Well I certainy did not intend to fall off the face of the earth for almost three weeks. In my defense, I spent one of those weeks in Omaha going through a completely intimidating and mind numbing professional development session for the AP course I will be teaching this fall. Any confidence I had going in to this fall semester has been completely shattered and I'm about as humble as they come right now. #Imaybringmyblankietothefirstdayofclass #Teachersdon'tdothat?

This summer has been an odd one. Overall, I'd say it has been a tough four weeks. For the first time in a long time (maybe ever?), I feel a door closing. Like straight-up-shutting-with-a-deadbolt-lock-for-extra-security-closing. Don't get me wrong... I completely understand that if God wills, He will break that deadbolt with a snap of His fingers (or however it is one breaks a deadbolt-- I don't really know how to break through a deadbolt and isn't that the point?).

When I moved away for college, I swore I was never going to move back home. But I won't lie. I always felt a little piece of me that wondered what it would have been like to live at home again and not be a high schooler. I saw a lot of other people my age doing it, but I also I knew I was right where I was supposed to be as a college student in Grand Forks. God presented me the opportunity to come home for a spell and I'm so grateful. I'd be lying if I didn't say these three years were very trying-- the first year was difficult as a family and this last year was very difficult professionally-- but I wouldn't trade them for all the buffalo wings I could ever eat and that's saying something!

At the risk of sounding like a complete downer, I super excited about what's to come. I feel like I'm getting my life back. I didn't realize how much I had ceased to be my own person. I moved home and fell so comfortably into the role of teacher and coach. Some people looked at me as my dad's mini me. Other people saw my as the head coach's mini me, even after I became a head coach myself. I think I could easily live the next 20 years of my life doing the same things each season and I wouldn't have given it a second thought. 

I moved home because, by doing so, I was taking myself out of my comfort zone. But now home has become my comfort zone and it is my time to move on.

I talked with a co-worker last week who is also leaving the school and he made a comment about it being so hard to leave. I think I would be more scared if I found it easy to walk away from things than the difficulty I'm experiencing. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am walking forward in God's will and His grace as I make my way to Thailand, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt and I don't keep in mind the faces of the students I am leaving behind. I know that their lives will go on without me and they'll quickly fill the gap of my absence with the new teachers and coaches-- I wouldn't want it any other way. But I see that the hurt means that I left part of myself with those kids.

When they would ask why I stayed, I would tell them the truth-- I was given an option to move home and give back to the school that invested so much in me. I spent three years at THS as a student and I returned for three years as a teacher and coach. In many ways, I feel like my debt (albeit hypothetical) has been paid. I can honestly say that I left my position at THS in a better place than when I inherited it. It is always my goal to leave whatever I do in life in better shape than when I came upon it.

In short, I guess I find myself mourning a loss I didn't anticipate. I always knew my Trenton job would be temporary, but it certainly was comfortable. My plans were to stay two years longer, but God said three was enough. Again, I eagerly anticipate what is to come, but I will always think of what I have left behind. It's a bittersweet thing, leaving what I am behind. They have already filled my position and I pray the person whom they chose to fill it will experience success. I pray she will be able to see the students for who they are and understand their circumstances, but will be able to challenge and stretch and educate them more than I was able to. I pray the students will give this new teacher the respect she deserves and they will not hold my mistakes and failings against her in any way. I pray they will also forgive her any mistakes and failings she may make against them because it's simply inevitable.

Until then, I will keep watching baseball, eating Mexican food, and listening to country music. Mine is a lovely life. :)